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Teenage Archeology

Life

I’ll tell you one thing. There’s something about having scarring from my lungs from a severe case of pneumonia three years ago that – for some reason – makes me very, very, very keen to stay at home at the moment.

Which means I have to find something to do. And as preparation for a house move happening at some point in the next century, I have a load of boxes which need condensing down and packing up. And in these boxes are a huge variety of artefacts stretching right back to my schooldays.

Including rather too many magazines I created in my youth.

A page from The Wollaton Quarterly

So, while other people are creating amazing pieces of art to keep us all entertained during a crisis, I’m taking photos of some of my old shit and putting them on Twitter. If this sounds like something you might be interested in, here is a list of all my daily threads. I’ll keep adding links to this post each day.

Now, if this doesn’t help us all get through this crisis, what will?

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Songs in the Key of S

Music / TV Comedy

Whenever I watch Look Around You, I’m almost more amazed by the music than anything else.

Don’t get me wrong. The idea that I could write anything like Look Around You is thoroughly ridiculous. But I at least feel I understand it, and a little of how it works. Gelg’s musical talent is magical and mysterious to me. My brain can’t even begin to comprehend it.

Sadly, despite the odd suggestion from Serafinowicz over the years, there has never been a Look Around You album released. (You’d think Warp would have been an obvious home.) But that doesn’t mean that – scattered across the internet – there aren’t ways of hearing lovely, clean, extended versions of some of Gelg’s finest.

So in lieu of that album – which I still hope will happen at some point – let’s see what we can scrape together.

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A Weekly Look at the World of Science and Technology

TV Comedy

Today, we’re going to go down a particularly odd rabbit hole, even for this site. On the plus side: here is a 15 year old mystery, definitively solved.

So let us take a trip to my favourite comedy of the 2000s, Look Around You. Specifically, the DVD commentary on the first episode of Series 2, Music. But hey, Peter Serafinowicz, was Music really meant to be your first episode?

SERAFINOWICZ: This wasn’t meant to be our first episode, was it?
POPPER: No, and a lot of people on the net sussed that as well, didn’t they?
SERAFINOWICZ: Yeah. I don’t know, we…
POPPER: We were going to start with Sport.
SERAFINOWICZ: We were going to start with Sport, but… yeah, we changed it, didn’t we? Maybe it was a bit of a mistake to start with this one, cos it’s such a different one…
POPPER: I wonder if we should have started with the next one, Health. Medibot.1
SERAFINOWICZ: Yeah, probably.

Discussion about transmission orders is like catnip to me. I am the person who wrote this particular monstrosity, after all. And personally speaking, I think Serafinowicz is correct here. I love Music, but – Live Final aside – it’s definitely the most format-breaking of the episodes. It feels weird to break your format when you haven’t even established it yet.2

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  1. MED-I-BOT! 

  2. Having Sport go out first would also make sense for another reason – it contains the “Thanks ants / Thants” joke. That version of the joke going out in the third episode always felt a bit strange, being a straightforward replication of the famous Series 1 moment – the show had already moved past it. 

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Diving into Memories

Film

What memories do you have watching TV as a kid, of programmes that you’ve never managed to track down since?

I wrote about one of mine last year, but I have so many others. One particularly vivid one is Trev and Simon on Going Live!, and their feature “The Bottomless Bin”. As I recall, it was essentially Trev and Simon dicking around with a wheelie bin, and pulling unpleasant stuff out of it. One fateful week, they tried to go on an expedition to find the actual bottom of The Bottomless Bin… so they lowered a camera down into it. Cue the TV picture breaking up, the Going Live! breakdown slide being cut to air, audio of chaos in the studio… and one very confused me, sitting in front of the television, trying to figure out whether the show had actually fallen off air or not.

Come to think of it, maybe The Bottomless Bin is responsible for my career working in TV presentation. If any of you have a recording of this sketch, I will love you forever if you send me a copy. These memories tend to be so much more satisfying when you actually track down what the hell it is you actually watched.1

However, I do have a tale of a distant television memory which I did manage to figure out. Let me share it with you.

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  1. My favourite ever example of this is podcast Jaffa Cakes for Proust finally finding out about the comedy show Nuts, which is a tale of intrigue that I can never hope to match. 

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Great Expectations

Meta

I try to keep housekeeping posts at a minimum here on Dirty Feed, but I feel the need to mark this one, as I’ve written a lot about it in the past. As of the 25th January, I’m no longer part of Ganymede & Titan. I know, I know, I don’t know why the media aren’t parked out on my doorstep either.

Original relaunch post of G&T in 2003

This has a few implications for Dirty Feed. Firstly and most immediately, I can suddenly spend rather more time working on silly articles for this place, which is a positive thing. More on that shortly.

Secondly, over the next few months, a few selected articles I wrote over on Ganymede & Titan might be republished here, slightly rewritten and improved. Don’t worry, there won’t be a deluge of reheated Dwarf nonsense – there would be no point moving the site’s bread-and-butter posts over to here. But some of the better stuff probably deserves a new home somewhere under my control. And I’d like the opportunity to improve a few of them too.

Thirdly, it would be complete madness for me to leave G&T, and then immediately start writing brand new Dwarf stuff over here. But once I’ve had a year or so’s break from that kind of thing, there are a few things about old Red Dwarf that I’d like to finish off here. In particular, my series of articles looking at the show’s sets has been abandoned halfway through; I’d like to bring that to some kind of conclusion. So for those of you who enjoy my Red Dwarf writing, it’s not disappearing entirely. It is going into hibernation for a bit, though.

Fourthly, I am definitely going to write something about Come Back Mrs Noah, purely to be annoying.

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“Two dead, twenty-five to go…”

TV Comedy

Last year, I took a look at the origin story of Fawlty Towers, and poked at it with an extremely large stick. I like poking stock opinions and anecdotes with extremely large sticks. It makes me very excited.

So, let’s do it again – although don’t worry, I promise this one won’t take four damn articles. This time round, we’re going to examine the inspiration behind the episode “The Kipper and the Corpse”; a story often told by Cleese. The most complete version I’ve found is in Morris Bright and Robert Ross’s book Fawlty Towers: Fully Booked, where Cleese is quoted as follows:

“A restaurateur by the name of Andrew Leeman was a great friend of mine and one day I asked him, “What’s the worst problem you had when you used to work at the Savoy Hotel?” Quite straight-faced he replied, “oh, the stiffs.” I said, “the what?” and he continued, “getting rid of the stiffs. The old dears knew the Savoy would always treat them really well, so they would check in with a bottle of pills, take them in the night, and in the morning the Savoy staff would walk in, pick up the phone and say, ‘We’ve got another one.’ Then the problem was getting the stiffs into the service elevator without alarming the other guests.” Well, I mean to say, once you’ve been given that as an idea, it’s just wonderful. And then you put a doctor in the hotel and it’s kind of a joy. Those ideas just write themselves. In fact, we called the dead body Mr Leeman in Andrew’s honour.”

Fawlty Towers: Fully Booked, p. 178

I have absolutely no doubt that the above is entirely true. I do not come to entirely bury this anecdote. I merely come to add some context. And that context leads – yet again – towards ITV medical sitcom Doctor in the House. Specifically, to the pilot, “Why do you want to be a Doctor?”, which Cleese wrote with Graham Chapman in 1969, a full decade before the second series of Fawlty Towers.

Why do you want to be a Doctor? title card
Upton entering the interview room

That pilot has a number of interesting things about it. From a writing point of view, Graham Chapman’s medical background was vital; a number of things in this episode turn up as tales in A Liar’s Autobiography, for instance. For me, the highlight of the episode is Upton’s horrifically awkward entrance interview for St Swithin’s:

Upton walks into the interview room. Three figures sit behind the desk. They ignore him.

UPTON: Good morning.

They continue to ignore him. Upton clears his throat and tries again.

UPTON: Good morning.

He realises, and closes his eyes.

UPTON: …afternoon.

From a technical point of view, the episode is notable for some extremely early colour OB work, rather than the usual film inserts. Indeed, the location sequences have a certain, shall we say, experimental feel to them. The series would stay with VT for its location scenes until Episode 10, “The Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever Casino”, where it switched to film for good.1

Michael Upton, on VT
A dead body being wheeled out of the hospital, on VT

On the subject of this location work, it’s notable that one of the very first things we see in the pilot is a dead body being wheeled out of the hospital. This show is not fucking about.

The pilot is interestingly structured; Part One before the break is all about Upton’s entrance interview, and Part Two is set months later, on his first day actually enrolled at St Swithin’s. And after a pathetic pep talk from the Dean, and a terrifying pep talk from Professor Loftus, we come to the gruesome finale of the episode, where Upton and his friend Duncan Waring are sent to the Preparation Room.

There, they meet the friendly Stebbings, who gives them an arm to dissect. An actual, real, arm.2

UPTON: Could we have the bag?
STEBBINGS: This is an anatomy school, not a supermarket.
UPTON: Where do we take it?
STEBBINGS: Dissection Room, Table 1. Keep the bones, but put the meat in the bin at the back.

Stebbings handing Upton an arm
Upton wandering down the corridor with the arm

Unfortunately, Upton and Waring get lost on the way to the Dissection Room. And as they accidentally wander into an antenatal class carrying the arm and cause a scene, you may begin to get more than a whiff of “The Kipper and the Corpse”, so to speak. There is an obvious parallel between Basil and Manuel trying to hide a dead body, and Upton and Waring trying to hide a disembodied arm. Still, I probably wouldn’t have bothered writing about all this if it hadn’t been for what follows.

Because in a panic, Upton and Waring go through a door, and find themselves in the street. As luck would have it, they run straight into a policeman, because of course they do.3 And when the policeman gets suspicious about exactly what’s hidden under their white coats, and goes to investigate it, he faints… and we get a striking visual which would be exactly replicated in Fawlty Towers ten years later:

A policeman lying prostrate on the floor

Why Do You Want to be a Doctor?

Miss Tibbs lying prostrate on the floor

The Kipper and the Corpse

And there we have it: an early version of some of the gags in “The Kipper and the Corpse”, a whole decade earlier than they appeared in Fawlty Towers. And proof that while John Cleese may well have been inspired by his friend who worked at the Savoy, some of the ideas in the episode had been swirling around his head long before he heard about dead bodies being smuggled out of hotels. So many different things feed into the creative process; it’s always worth remembering that a single anecdote is unlikely to be the whole story, no matter how much fun that anecdote is.

It’s also proof that there are still new things to be discovered about Fawlty Towers in 2020. You just have to know where to look for them.


  1. This colour OB work is so early, in fact, that despite being made in colour, all of Series 1 of Doctor in the House originally transmitted in black and white. Colour only came to ITV in November 1969, and even then, not all of ITV. 

  2. Well, actually, a bit of a dodgy prop. But a realistic arm might have been a little too much for the studio audience. They’re slightly unnerved as it is. 

  3. You have to allow sitcoms to get away with stuff like this. I once pinched my girlfriend’s bum while she was bending over in the car, and she accidentally honked the car horn. These things do happen. 

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A Decade of Dirty Feed

Meta

5 years • 10 years • 15 years

Ten years ago today, Dirty Feed was launched.

Well, actually, that’s a lie. A site called “Transistorized” launched, named after Kenny Everett greeting his “transistorized people”. It was an obscure reference at best, born out of sheer desperation for a name. Later that year, the rather more sensible moniker of Dirty Feed was coined, and I stopped having to worry about whether the site’s name should be spelt with an ‘s’ or with a ‘z’. A full 302 posts and 226,974 words1 of ABSOLUTE GOLD later, here’s where we’ve ended up. And you know me by now: I just can’t resist a little self-indulgent look back.2

First blog post on Transistorized

The origins of this site are simple enough. I’d been writing on a group blog called Noise to Signal which had naturally come to an end; there was a feeling from more than one of us that it was time to move on and strike out on our own. Which indicates that I must have had some sort of brilliant plan for what I wanted to do next, right?

Nah. I had no real idea at all. The one rule I had was not to become too much of a personal journal like an even earlier blog I’d written. I wanted to write about stuff, not myself.3 I’d also written a lot about web design and tech in the past, but my interests had shifted to other things during the years I wrote on Noise to Signal: towards television and comedy especially.

The plan, then, such as it was: start writing, and see what happened. I also had one other thing at the back of my mind: not to get too bogged down in perfection. Numerous times, I’d started blogs before, quickly got annoyed that they weren’t “perfect”, and deleted them. Time to stop all that. If I didn’t like the last thing I’d written, never mind: the next piece might be better. More than anything else, getting the fuck over myself in that regard is why there might be some things actually worth reading here, rather than just a blank page.

Ah, yes. Stuff worth reading. Time we got onto some of that. Here are some things I’ve done on Dirty Feed over the past ten years that I don’t feel like invoking the right to be forgotten over. One per year, in fact. And stay tuned until the end for some thoughts on where this place might go over the next decade.

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  1. As of this sentence. 

  2. Bizarrely, the name change from Transistorized to Dirty Feed was never actually noted on the site; at the time, I was extremely leery of annoying “housekeeping” blog posts, having read far too many over the years. The article you are reading now may suggest that I have thrown caution to the winds these days.

    In fact, my record-keeping in this area is so lax that I can’t even tell you exactly which date the site renamed itself. All I can figure out was that it was still Transistorized on the 12th September and had changed by the 4th October, according to an old email I have. Yeah, I realise that the fact I can’t narrow it down more than this – considering my obsession with archiving – is really bloody odd. 

  3. That rule is going brilliantly, obviously. 

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I’ve Covered My Website in Complete and Utter and Total Absolute Nonsense Gibberish

TV Comedy

Slightly alarmingly, it seems I have been writing for Red Dwarf fansite Ganymede & Titan for a full 16 years now. My oldest contributions there can now technically have sex with articles from a Doctor Who fansite, to produce the most unpleasant offspring you can imagine.

Still, over the years, my contributions – while definitely increasing in quality – have certainly decreased in quantity.1 So this year, I set myself the challenge of updating the site at least once a month, a feat I haven’t managed since 2007. Slightly unexpectedly, I actually managed to achieve this.

Which means over the last year, I have provided answers to the following questions:

And to round everything off, I also wrote the G&T Christmas Message for this year; our traditional address to the nation rounding up all the Red Dwarf news over the last 12 months. Until fairly recently, I could have probably just written “that silly AA advert” and had done with it, but this month saw the first of two audience recordings for a new special to be broadcast next year. Meaning there will be a whole new spate of people saying “What, I thought Red Dwarf finished years ago with that dodgy one set in prison, I didn’t know there had been new episodes since then”, despite there being literally 21 brand new episodes made and broadcast since 2009.2

Away from the wacky world of Red Dwarf3, don’t forget that the 1st January sees the 10th anniversary of a particularly stupid website called Dirty Feed. So pop over here in the New Year for a celebration of the fact that very, very occasionally, I write something which doesn’t deserve immediately throwing into a large bin.


  1. And not just because of an extended sulk in 2009 after Back to Earth

  2. It’s no secret I’m not crazy about most of the new episodes, but if you haven’t seen any of the Dave-era shows and want to dip your toe in: my personal opinion is that Lemons, The Beginning, Officer Rimmer, M-Corp and Skipper are your best bets. 

  3. Or “whacky”, if you really have to. 

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Dirty Feed: Best of 2019

Meta

2015201620172018 • 2019 • 202020212022202320242025

“Hello again, John. Still doing your roundup of all the best stuff on Dirty Feed this year?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t this being published even earlier than last year?”
“Yes.”
“Is that because you’re planning some huge masturbatory celebration of 10 years of Dirty Feed in January, and you at least want to spread out your willy waving to some kind of bearable level?”
“Yes.”
“I really hate you.”
“Yes.”

*   *   *

And Finally…
Firstly, a little tale of Anna Soubry presenting Central News, and some naughtiness that seemingly only I remember. (I have to admit, I was hoping a video of this might surface, especially once a few media figures retweeted the article. No luck, sadly.)

1990s Central News East logo
The Shangri-Las in the recording studio


Listen. Does This Sound Familiar?
Looking at glimpses of a lost song by the Shangri-Las. I have a fondness for this as being one of the first bits of writing about music I’ve ever done; this year I’ve tried to push myself outside my comfort zone a few times with my writing, and this piece definitely qualifies. Also: listen to the Shangri-Las, do it, do it right now.1

Night Network
If there’s one thing I want this site to achieve, it’s to post things that nobody else would ever post. Whether that’s because nobody else is capable of writing something so amazing, or because nobody else would fucking bother, is a judgement call. Whatever your answer, this piece – about the nightmares TV channel directors have to endure – most definitely counts.

Identity.
In which I spin an incredibly personal anecdote from the BBC Two Toy Car ident. You heard.

BBC Two Toy Car ident
Mike Flex and Mike Channel, KYTV


KYTV: Challenge Anna
My first really substantial article of the year: a look at one of my favourite episodes of comedy ever, and exactly what changed between script and screen. (Watch out for the practical joke Geoffrey Perkins and Angus Deayton planned to play on Anneka Rice… and then chickened out on.)

Tales from a Dystopian Future
This little story is another example of how I tried to push my writing into some different areas this year. It’s certainly like nothing else on the site. It didn’t get much reaction, and I think it has its faults. But after writing the KYTV piece – which I think turned out well, but is entirely within this site’s usual ballpark – it was nice to stretch myself with something I’d never written before.

Beyond Grace Brothers
Having done a full watch of Are You Being Served? this year, I vaguely have in mind the idea to write a book on the show. This article was a test to see if I could write about the series in any kind of entertaining way. I think it turned out quite well, tackling an area of the show that I don’t think has been talked about before. (Fuck knows when I’ll have time to write that book, though.)

Mr. Rumbold on the phone
Mr. Davidson covered in soup


Fawlty at Large
Hands down my favourite thing I’ve written all year, and certainly the one to get the best reaction. This set of four articles starts off as a look at the origins of Fawlty Towers… but halfway through, turns into something else entirely, and for my money something far more interesting. John Cleese has never written anything more terrifying.2

*   *   *

A few other brief thoughts. I really struggled with the site at the beginning of the year, with the first four months especially yielding the odd fun post, but nothing truly substantial.3 Having realised I was going to let the year slip away entirely if I wasn’t careful, the second half of the year was a lot better, cumulating in the aforementioned set of articles which I’m thoroughly proud of. If you read nothing else I’ve written this year, I’d really like it to be that.

I’m also going to make my usual plea. I make a point of not having a tip jar or Patreon on this site; I don’t need them, and your money would be better spent on others. But if you’ve enjoyed any of my writing this year, I urge you to consider donating to the Internet Archive if you can. I realise that at a time when the UK seems to be going to shit, then they might not be the first organisation you’d think of for donations. But the Internet Archive do a great deal to hold people, organisations, and governments to account, and I think that’s more important than ever. Just $5 would mean something – especially as they currently have a 2-to-1 matching campaign running, which brings it up to $15 without you doing a thing.

That’s pretty much it for Dirty Feed this year; there will be a roundup of all my Red Dwarf writing later on this month, but aside from that, that’s your lot. Thanks to everyone who’s read, liked, or shared my stuff over the past year; I really do appreciate all your kind words. One person who takes the time to tell me they enjoyed something I wrote is worth 1000 anonymous hits. And people who clearly haven’t read what I’ve written but feel the need to tell me their ill-informed opinion about it on Twitter deserve 1000 hits.4

And as for next year… what’s this I see on the horizon? Could it be the site’s 10th anniversary? And do you really think I can resist the urge to bang on about it at length until you all escape to Digital Spy in desperation?


  1. I think this article may be the first ever time a picture of the Shangri-Las has appeared next to the logo of Central News East. If any fact sums up what I try and do with this site, it’s this one. 

  2. With thanks to Tanya Jones for inspiration and help with this; so much so, in fact, that the pieces really deserve a shared byline. 

  3. Fun game: try to figure out which piece I was sure was going to be great, but I’ve since decided really isn’t, and was misguided and pointless publishing in its present form. 

  4. To the face. Specifically to the face. 

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