It’s weird, the things you remember from when you were a teenager.
For instance, I used to devour TV reviews published in newspapers, whether I watched the shows in question or not. There are so many which stuck in my head, which I’ve never been able to trace again. I recall a particularly mean-spirited review of the final episode of Cheers, where some misery guts said that they couldn’t think of anything worse than being in a pub “where everybody knows your name”. Not even I would write something like that, and I hate everybody and everything.
Then there was the review of Hale & Pace, where someone bitterly complained that because the duo laughed during one sketch and the production didn’t bother to re-record it, this showed a dreadful lack of professionalism. I really wish I could find this one in particular, so I could teach the writer what comedy is.
But there’s one review which I have managed to track down. Unfortunately, it’s fairly obvious why this one stuck in my head as a teenager. It was about an episode of Timewatch, which apparently contained an extremely rude piece of footage indeed. This review turned out to be easy to find, thanks to good old Newspapers.com.
Jay Rayner, The Observer, 20th June 1999:
“About 10 minutes into tonight’s1 edition of Timewatch: Letting the Genie Out of the Bottle (BBC2, 9.40pm), a history of the pornography industry, there is a loving shot of pigs snuffling happily in their sties. If ever you doubted that Scandinavian attitudes to sexual relations are really any different to our own, the pig shot will sort you out. In 1933 Denmark became the first country in the world to legalise bestiality ‘as long as the animal wasn’t harmed’.
There are many – probably including a few pigs – who will find the connection being made here between the mainstream pornography industry and bestiality disturbing. Nevertheless, the connection exists. It is, after all, hardly surprising that the country which was minded to legalise bestiality back in the Thirties was also going to be the first to legalise hardcore pornography in 1969. In Scandinavia sex before marriage had been a part of the culture since pre-Christian times. Were they really now going to get their knickers in a twist over photographs of people having sex when they’d all been getting their knickers off for years?
As one of the commentators in this extraordinary film explains, the Danish parliament, reacting to the prevalent attitudes in Danish society, saw a distinction between what was a crime and what was a sin. You might not fancy your neighbours pig, but did that mean you should criminalise your neighbour for wanting to have carnal knowledge of it? You might not want to look at pornography yourself, but was it a crime for your neighbour to do so in private? Whether the legislators envisaged the worldwide industry that pornography has become is another question. Watching this edition of Timewatch you can’t help but feel that there was something oddly innocent about all that shagging back in the Sixties. Incidentally, this programme probably includes one of the rudest images ever shown on British television. Mind you, you’ll need a video of it and a pause button to find it.”
No doubt I would have loved to have seen this episode of Timewatch back in 1999, but suddenly feigning an interest in Timewatch as a teenager the week they do an episode about porn would have been extremely suspicious. Almost as suspicious as being interested in the serious dramatic reckonings of Baywatch. I never managed to record that either.
So what that rudest image actually was, I never had any idea. At least until now, when I finally got a chance to watch the damn thing, and scoured it for hidden filth.
The sequence in question is of a printing press, churning out hardcore magazines. Parts of the footage are censored, as they were clearly too obscene to let pass on the Beeb. But one photograph in those magazines, for whatever reason, was allowed to air intact.
So I can exclusively reveal: the image Jay Rayner is talking about is of two ladies who have just received a facial, and are grinning inanely about it.
Never let it be said I don’t answer the real TV mysteries around here.
Broadcast on the 26th July 1999. ↩
2 comments
Bruce Dessau on 20 July 2026 @ 5pm
I always took a keen interest in World In Action – always a good potential source for something salacious.
It is strange what you remember watching from childhood. I have a vivid memory of something but I can find no mention of it on the internet. I was watching an episode of How and I was sure one of the presenters, possibly Fred Dineage, said “How do you milk a mouse?”. It seemed to be a jokey ad lib, everybody giggled and they moved on to a more serious question about Ox Bow lakes or batteries or sewing or something. Anyway, this has always haunted me. Late at night I’ve often tried to think of the answer. On a very low stool? Very gently? but I’ve had to come to the conclusion after 50 years that I imagined it.
Unless someone here knows otherwise? Sorry to hijack your thread. This is my last hope!
Zoomy on 20 July 2026 @ 9pm
Having just been using BBC Genome to research the exact date when I fell in love with Scooter from The Muppet Show (February 15th 1986; I was nine), I’m not in a position to judge anyone here… but I do love to hear these kinds of stories of ancient memories! Admire the research as always, John, and hope you track down the mouse-milking one day, Bruce!